Well, it finally happened. Someone whose motives for study I found kind of dubious has finally revealed himself.
This person has done me a number of good turns when I was first re-starting out. I was grateful for any help in negotiating my new, non-territory, even when it became apparent to me that he had selfish motivations. Help is still help, whatever the reason, so I tried to do my best for the guy while trying also to do what was best for my particular situation. There were many occasions when we trained together. Other occasions where I offered advice when asked (as usual, on some things that were not training-related, but that is what happens when you are a teacher).
This person wanted to study a specific style of budo which I had been teaching. Unfortunately, teaching that style was one of the major reasons why I got kicked out of my old group. The situation was still very political, and I persisted for several years in training him and a few other people in spite of some very unpleasant circumstances. Eventually, however, I found myself teaching one guy alone, and he was not even the enthusiast I mentioned above. I was renting space for practice, and was losing money month over month. So I stopped.
I stopped, and when I got an opportunity to teach at a different space, the sponsor favored MSR, the more classical style I had originally trained in. By that time, I decided that was a better option for myself as well, though I was still trying to figure out where my former style might fit in. Over the ensuing first year, I reorganized my curriculum.
And who should decide to come back? But he was frustrated that I was not teaching what he wanted to learn. We had several frank discussions, including my offer to meet him halfway - that if we could decide on a mutual time, and he could arrange practice space, I would come and teach. But he never followed up, whether for scheduling reasons or lazy reasons, I do not know. Alternatively, I suggested he practice with one or another of the existing groups (including my former group). I assured him that he had my permission without penalty, and he was welcome to practice with us any time as well (though we were practicing a different style). No dice there either. Then I suggested the parent group dojo, hypothetically (my former style was an offshoot of an older style). I noted it would not be an option for me, because I was beholden to the newer group, but that at his rank, it might be feasible. That hypothetically interested him, but the conversation ended there.
Yesterday I got an angry email from the current soke of my former style (are you still following this? It's like a hiru-mero - a soap opera). The soke said he had "heard" that I was planning a jump to the parent style, and that he would take it as a personal insult if I did. There was only one source for this. The soke had been in NYC this past weekend for a seminar which my erstwhile student had attended. I had decided not to, owing to some family reasons that are not relative to this post. Perhaps I erred in not showing my face, but this particular teacher, over four years, has been fairly indifferent as to whether I should continue to be a student or not. I honestly figured I would not be missed.
After recovering from my WTF moment, I wrote back to the soke and told him a number of things, including that I had no intention of jumping anywhere, and that I was insulted that anyone should make such an assertion. I further stated that my "student" had divulged a private conversation, that doing things like that was an undesirable habit, and that he had moreover misrepresented what I had said. I further outlined my efforts to work with the guy, and how he had been somewhat abusive of my time (i.e., I would arrange practice at a mutually agreed upon time which he would attend, or not - mostly not).
Of course, I have no idea (1) why this person would do such a thing (if our roles were reversed, for example, I would never have done something so stupid to him); or (2) how many other people overheard what he said. If some of my former colleagues were in earshot, then what little smidge of reputation I had left with them has been obliterated. A correction sent to the soke may or may not clear the air with him, but I am positive (in an ironic twist in the age of oversharing) that the content of that email will never be seen or heard of by anyone else.
I even wondered if my (now, assuredly) former student had done me a favor. My relationship to this style and teacher had been ambivalent. By burning the bridge for me, as it were, I could really walk away. But I decided - no. My relationship to the ryuha and soke was mine - mine to decide - whether to stay, walk away, take a break and come back, or whatever. While I can't be sure of his total motivation, I have no doubt it was selfish. He was trying in some way to enhance his rep, and he decided to hurt mine in order to do it. And my overall feeling? He did the same thing my old colleagues did. He used the same tactics and was trying to achieve the same result. And that smarts. It does.
After my last debacle relating to this style, I learned not to put things in writing, even to colleagues involved in the ryuha. Now I know I can't give spoken advice to students, either.
I would like, in some of these posts, to come up with solutions to problems that I have encounted in my budo life, but this time, I am afraid I only have one thing - No good deed goes unpunished.
No comments:
Post a Comment